People pretty commonly say they miss someone every day, even many years after they've died. I think I've said it myself, but for me it's not true. I don't miss Dad every day, and it's a good thing too. When I do miss him, my chest starts to implode, my throat tightens and I sob hopelessly. After the tears is the inevitable headache. It's exactly like I'm back in that Thursday in November fifteen years ago. If I missed him every day, I'd be of no use to anyone.
Time hasn't softened or mellowed the pain, it's just allowed me to put it away most of the time. For some reason, though, I've been missing him a lot lately. Maybe it's because he's got four grandchildren now. The youngest is starting to talk. It's such a cool thing to watch language happen. The eldest is shaping up to be a pretty good musician. Dad would have been so proud, and probably claimed the credit somehow. The next oldest, I think, would have adored him. Their senses of humour would have connected and I suspect Charlie would have just been comfortable in his company. Grandchild number three is starting school and the journey to being a real person. They all have to do it without him. I think this is the bit where I shout "It's not fair!" and shake my fist at the universe.
Maybe also, it's because the kids are getting older. I don't need to be constantly alert to where they all are and what they're doing, so I have more brainspace for thoughts not entirely connected to keeping all the balls in the air. I'm not sure I've got the emotional reserves to keep this up though.
It's not that I can't think of him or talk about him, it's that I can't miss him. Not too often. I want to just wish him back into our lives. Granted, Mum & David (her partner) might find adjusting to a poly relationship a little tricky, but while I'm wishing people back from the dead, I think this is a minor detail.
Dad, I'm missing you, and it hurts.
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*hugs* I so understand. It's two years since my Dad died suddenly and it often hits me badly when I think "Dad would get a kick out of this... oh crap I can't just call him". Thankfully, those moments are rare. Hang in there, you are allowed to be sad at times, even now.
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting at my desk in tears with that feeling in my chest that you talk about. It hurts. It does. My father's beloved only grandchild will be bat mitzvah in three weeks and he should be here. He should.
ReplyDeleteYou made me cry. *all the hugs*
ReplyDeleteI cried lots last night, and then I cried again when I read Jay's comment this morning. (Speaking of which - bat mitzvah already? I'm in the middle of a "where does the time go?" cliche!)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the messages, I'm feeling a little more robust this afternoon, but I really needed to get the words out of my head last night.
Letting yourself release the words is good, and I'm glad for the robustness, and I'm sorry for the missing and the loss.
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