Working part time and spending time with your kids is fantastic. It keeps you in touch with the adult world and lets you be with your kids while they are little.
Unless part time becomes full time with no change in the "life" bit of the work-life balance equation. Then what happens is you turn into a blithering idiot who yells at your kids and makes mistakes with work. Then you get to feel guilty, as well as stressed, tired and incompetent.
I mostly subscribe to guilt-free parenting. Everyone screws stuff up, as long as you keep looking for the better path, that's as much as anyone can ask for. When I realise what I'm doing isn't working, I just look for another approach. It's not failure, it's bootstrap parenting.
But if it's not my parenting that's wrong, but me - well that's not so easy to rationalise.
Work-wise, I've always been a big picture person. Attention to detail has never been my strong point. Right now it's non-existent. Anything I do I am trying to do in the absolute minimum time before I have to go pick someone up, or cook dinner or deal with a completely different set of clients. I don't have any staff that I can throw things at and say "Just check this for me please, I need a fresh set of eyes." And so all my mistakes are my own. And I just want to give in.
And then in the back of my mind is always this voice telling me I'm pathetic, I don't have that much to do, I'm just lazy. And I genuinely don't know if it's right. I mean, I am lazy. I always have been, but I've generally used that as a strength. Doing things as efficiently as possible, working fast in short bursts so as to maximise my fucking around time. Maybe I've pushed that all too far, justified all too much. And I do rather feel like I have lost perspective.
That's the trap. I know that the family is the most important thing, but the world at large regards the corporate world as the only thing that matters. So there is nothing to give. But doing a shitty job of all of it isn't exactly a solution.
So how to get perspective when I feel like I'm up to my ears in it? I've got a cleaner this week - I can't afford for her to clean the whole house, but anything she can do, I don't have to. I've made some work flow changes to reduce duplication. The school holidays will end. Hopefully something will make itself apparent. Unfortunately one can't take stress leave from family or your own business.