Go ahead, zoom in on that. The first row tells you about body. Yep, I'll give you a moment to digest that.
The second is fairly sensible - varying from tropical fruits to citrus.
The third is something to do with flavour, or maybe aroma, my friends couldn't really help me.
The fourth is a measure of sweetness. Why this is iconified in hearts is anyone's guess.
That last row. What can I say? The left hand side indicates softness, so I can only assume the right end is hard. I don't know what a hard wine is, or why a stubbly man in sunglasses typifies it, but there you go.
The strangest thing? Using this very bizarre guide, I chose a chardy that was divine. Weird and inappropriate, yes, but also effective.
I chose the third one down. Apparently I like my chardys with fat arses.